


And I Heard Your Voice

by midoriverte



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hideweek, M/M, day 3:英 hero, mentions of suicidal ideation, not an angst fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-11 12:25:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11148378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/pseuds/midoriverte
Summary: Hide Week day 3: Hero"You were the voice in my head that told me everything was going to be okay. You were the part of me that wanted to live, the part of me that still had hope.”





	And I Heard Your Voice

Kaneki had awoken far too early in the morning for what was supposed to have been his day off. He was sure he had been having some sort of nightmare, though the memory of it was gone the instant he woke up.

He tried to keep quiet and not move around too much, he did not want to wake Hide up (it had been Hide’s suggestion to finally start sharing a bed, but Kaneki was always worried that if he woke him up too many times he’d realize it was a bad idea).

Despite Kaneki’s best efforts, Hide woke up and smiled instantly upon seeing Kaneki lying beside him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

Kaneki didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence before Hide brought him close and kissed him on the cheek, effectively shutting Kaneki up. He got the impression Hide was trying to soothe him from his nightmare, and Kaneki certainly wasn’t going to tell him he couldn’t remember it once Hide started giving him such gentle affection. 

Hide ran his fingers through Kaneki’s soft hair, playing with the white locks in the pale grey light of the early morning.

“God,” he sighed quietly. “You’re so beautiful.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Kaneki said quietly, he was sure that even in the dim light Hide could see how red his face was. He was still a little self-conscious about his white hair. 

“Hey,” Hide admonished softly, moving his hands from Kaneki’s hair and cupping his face instead. “None of that.”

Kaneki closed his eyes and he felt Hide’s lips on his own. He let Hide kiss him for a moment before he pulled away slowly and he opened his eyes again.

“I mean it,” Hide said again, more firmly. “You’re so beautiful, I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

Hide was looking at him with such sincerity that it almost hurt Kaneki to look at him. He still wasn’t used to someone genuinely thinking it was a lucky thing that Kaneki was in their life. It was strange, and frightening, in a wonderful sort of way.

It seemed too good to be true.

“I think I’m more lucky to have you,” Kaneki said.

Hide smiled sadly. 

“I’m nothing special,” he said with something like a laugh. “You’re a ghoul king, and I’m…”

Hide trailed off, as though whatever he was didn’t warrant even a mention. 

“Don’t talk like that,” Kaneki said, feeling a surprising rush of anger, and feeling like maybe he finally understood how Hide felt when he refused to accept being told he was beautiful. “You’re… do you even have any idea how much you…”

He choked up a little, and Hide looked surprised and alarmed at Kaneki’s sudden rush of emotion. 

“You saved me,” Kaneki said finally, getting a hold of himself. “More times than I can count.”

Hide shrugged. “I only recall letting you take a bite off me once.”

“That’s not…” Again, Kaneki had to stop for a moment. How could Hide not understand what he meant to Kaneki? What he had done for him?

“What about that time you got all the books my aunt threw away back for me?”

“I don’t think that counts as ‘saving’,” Hide said, raising an eyebrow. 

It seemed Hide really didn’t understand. 

“It wasn't just...that,” Kaneki said. “You were… you were the only good thing in my life, back then. You're still the best thing in my life now.” 

The words felt inadequate to him. He wasn't sure it was possible to convey the depth of his emotion, his gratitude. 

Hide’s eyes were a little wet. He wiped them on the back of his sleeve hastily. 

“You're such a sap,” he said with a laugh. 

Kaneki frowned. “I'm being serious.”

“Sorry,” Hide said. “You just- you aren't usually quite so…” 

Hide seemed to struggle to find a word that would not offend Kaneki. 

“...Open?” He said finally, more of a question than anything. 

“Well if all you're going to do is tease me for it-” Kaneki huffed. 

“I won't tease!” Hide insisted. He leaned in and kissed Kaneki on the forehead. “I promise.” 

Kaneki sighed, his annoyance at Hide evaporating on the spot. 

“It’s not just you letting me take a bite out of you, you know,” Kaneki tried and failed to use Hide’s nonchalant wording as though it still didn’t make him wince. “When I fought Arima, I would have died if it weren’t for you.”

“Love,” Hide said, gently but seriously. “I wasn’t there.”

He looked concerned for Kaneki’s mental health, which, Kaneki had to admit, he often had reason to be. 

Kaneki hastened to say, “That’s not what I meant!”

He bit his lip, unsure whether or not he should tell Hide this story, but Hide was still looking at him with such concern that he didn’t think he had a choice. 

“When I went to fight Arima,” Kaneki said. “I had already regained my memories. And I remembered you, what I had done to you, and I wanted to let myself die.”

The words hung in the air. Hide was silent.

“It wasn’t just the thought of what I had done to to you,” Kaneki continued. “It was… to me you had died like a hero. I wanted to be like you and… and die to save the people I love.”

“Was that supposed to make me feel better?” Hide said, his voice shook with anger. “That you… you wanted to die because of me? That you were going to throw everything away because you wanted to be like me?”

“Hide, please let me finish. Please.”

Hide fell quiet, though Kaneki could tell he was still angry with him.

“When I actually fought Arima, I was going to just let him finish me,” Kaneki said. “I told myself that I had given everyone else time to get away, but the truth was that I was giving up.”

“But then I…I saw you.”

“You saw me?” Hide repeated, skeptically. 

Kaneki smiled sadly, “I mean, I pictured you. I imagined myself wading into a river, and you came to get me. You told me that I find a reason to live, that you wanted to live with me.”

“It gave me the strength to go on,” Kaneki concluded. “I know you weren’t really there. But you were the voice in my head that told me everything was going to be okay. You were the part of me that wanted to live, the part of me that still had hope.”

He had been avoiding looking at Hide this whole time, worried that Hide might still be angry with him and worried that if he looked at him he might not be able to continue recalling a story that still hurt. 

Reluctantly, he turned to Hide and saw, to his great shock, that he was crying.

“Hide!” Kaneki said. “I’m so sorry! Should I not have told you that?” 

Hide was furiously wiping tears from his eyes, trying to keep it together enough to speak.

“Kaneki, you can’t just-,” he took in a shaky breath, trying to calm himself, “-Tell me something like ‘you were my hope’ and then expect me not to cry!”

Hide tried to glare at Kaneki, but with his eyes still filled with tears the effect was far more cute than threatening.

Kaneki was immensely relieved that Hide was not upset with him. “I’m sorry, love.”

“Nooo,” Hide wailed. “You can’t just call me ‘love’ after all that, I’m still too weak.”

Despite his protests, Hide came closer to Kaneki until he was curled up against Kaneki’s side. 

Trying hard to fight back a laugh, Kaneki carded his fingers gently through Hide’s hair until he calmed down a bit. 

“Thank you,” Hide said finally, in a much more sombre voice. “For telling me that.”

He was still lying against Kaneki, and Kaneki was glad that he didn’t have to look him in the eye quite yet.

“Would it be alright if I said something else?”

Hide nodded weakly. “I’m already crying so you might as well.”

Kaneki kissed Hide on the top of his head, partially as reassurance for Hide but mostly because he needed the moment to calm himself down.

“I really mean it when I say you saved me,” Kaneki said. “I don’t think I can ever tell you how much you meant to me. For so much of my life, you were the only person I could rely on. Whenever things were bad with my mother, or with my aunt, I knew seeing you would make me feel better. Even now some of my most precious memories are of you sitting with me at the park until it got too late to stay out, just because you knew I didn’t want to go home.”

Kaneki sighed. “Part of the reason I left to protect you was because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I once said that losing you would be like losing my heart, and I regretted every day that I never told you that.”

He was unsure if it would be too much, especially since he could feel Hide shaking with renewed sobs in his arms, but finally he decided he had to say it. 

“You really are my hero, Hide.”

Hide shook his head against him. 

“That’s… I just did what any friend would do,” Hide mumbled. 

Somehow, Kaneki knew this would be Hide’s response. 

“You don’t have to believe me now, I just hope one day you will,” Kaneki said gently, rubbing Hide’s back in what he hoped was a soothing manner. 

Hide nestled even closer to Kaneki than before. “Thank you…” he whispered, so quietly Kaneki could barely hear him. “I’m glad to know I could help.”

Kaneki shook his head, he knew that Hide would not, or could not, understand yet just how much he meant to him. He blamed himself, for having spent so long without telling him how he felt, for having abandoned him.

He could only hope to spend the rest of his life proving to Hide that he was worth it, and spend every day showing him how much he was loved. 

For now, he held Hide close, and the two of them eventually drifted off to sleep again.


End file.
